The Mis-Adventures of Sassy McKnockers

1st Amendment Rights

22 May 2012 2 Comments

by Sassy Mcknockers in Uncategorized

Alright… So… I figured I haven’t written about anything for a while, but tonight I have a situation causing such confusion that it is worthy of sharing.

I had an employee for the past year and a few months… terrible employee.  Like, dumb as a box of rocks.  For the past 11 months I’ve been saying, “he needs to be let go.”  However, apparently no one could see what I could see… so 11 months come and go and he’s creating a level of nonsense that I can’t begin to explain.  So, finally, the President and Vice President decide to see the light and stop drinking the Koolaid.  

Hallelujah! 

Fast forward to last Wednesday.  Said employee calls said VP and says if he’s going to be fired, he’d rather not come in and would rather just go mow some grass.  Now, let me just say, this alone is quite a strange approach.  I’ve never once heard of calling and asking if you’re getting fired because you’d rather mow the yard.  I mean… at that point, you must know you’re failing miserably at your job, right?  And trust me, there was no shortage of counseling, written and verbal warnings, etc etc etc.  

So, said employee had the following equipment: 

• iPad
• Laptop
• Cell Phone
• Key Fob
• Key

And in turn, I have the paycheck.  Because after multiple attempts to obtain the company equipment, he was not responsive. 

Fast forward to this week – now he needs his paycheck.  Odd.  I needed my company property, but you didn’t give a shit until those tables were turned.  

So after multiple attempts to meet him, he decides he’d like to do so tonight.  VP asked where he wanted him to bring his stuff.  He informed the VP he was coming to our office.  Now, listen, I am not really sure who he thinks he is or why he believes he has any ability to make decisions for the company who has terminated his employment.  Had that been said to me, I would have said… Mmmmm no, that’s not how this is going to be working.  

Whatever.  So VP says he believes that his stuff has already been packed up.  He replied, “If my stuff has been touched I’m going to be real pissed off.”  Again, I’m not sure why anyone gives a damn if he’s pissed off.  Again, sir, your employment was terminated and you now have no say in how things are handled. 

So, he tells VP that he has no interest in seeing me or the President and he’s pissed off because his phone was wiped remotely after he was terminated.  Well, it was a company phone.  So, perhaps you should have had your personal pictures on your personal phone.  Furthermore, I didn’t terminate his dumbass.  He called and said he’d rather mow grass if he was getting fired!  And the call wasn’t to me!  

Moving along.  He refuses to come inside until I leave.  For whatever reason, I intimidate him like you wouldn’t believe.  And for once, I’m thankful I left.  

So the lunatic shows up.  With a gun on his hip.  Um.  Excuse me.  WTF is wrong with you?!?!

VP: “What’s with the gun?”

Lunatic: “I’m exercising my 1st Amendment Right.” 

Say what now?  When the fuck did the change the Amendments and why didn’t anyone tell me?  I’m all sorts of out of the loop because the last I check… that was all about the freedom of speech.  See.  People should have believed me when I said he was a fool.  

Anyway.  So the crazy ass shows up with a gun.  I’m not sure why he felt that would be necessary as the person he was meeting is much smaller than he is and he’s never once been threatened.  Again, had we followed the Sassy advice and told him he wasn’t coming to the office… all of this would have been avoided.  But, what do I know?!?!

Other highlights from this termination: 

• He told the VP he would be taking a ream of paper to print his resume since we terminated him.  First off, you have little to even write on your resume.  And secondly, I’m not sure how us terminating you entitled you to the paper.
• He went through his old desk and took every paperclip and binder clip.  And attempted to take the paperwork in the desk, but was told that he was not allowed to do so as it was company documents. 
• He took a roll of paper towels and Windex.  Maybe he needs this for his household chores after mowing the lawn? 
• We have 2 small file cabinets that fit under a desk.  He informed the VP he wanted one and was taking one.  So, let me get this straight.  Getting terminated somehow allows you to take office furniture?  No.  See.  You won’t be doing that.
• He informed the VP that he is attempting to get a job with the Sheriff’s office and the President better watch out because he may be driving and see him behind him… or worse.  Um.  Listen.  Just shut the fuck up and get out already.  

I’m not even sure what else happened.  I’m not sure why the police weren’t called. 

All I can say is maybe he should educate himself on the Amendments.  

And next time, maybe even abide by the Ten Commandments.  You know… Thou shall not steal.

Prick.

Obligatory Quake Post. Etc.

23 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment

by Sassy Mcknockers in Uncategorized

So by now all of you know about the earthquake today and I feel I would be doing a disservice to not blog about it… so here we go!

Today I took my girl to Children’s Hospital for an annual checkup for NF1. These appointments are usually an all day event, yet somehow today I managed to get out of there before 11am. I’m not sure how and it’ll probably never happen again, but let’s just say the Quake Gods were with me today.

Anyway, took the Lady and my dad to lunch when we got back and then retrieved The Man… and we all went putt-putting. We were maybe on hole 13 when the earthquake began. I say maybe because this place doesn’t have the holes numbered, and frankly, I’m still a little bothered by it. I feel all this shaking and look at my dad with my best WTF look. He’s kinda giving me the same look. Meanwhile, everyone around us doesn’t seem to be noticing… So then, my dad asks them if they felt that and they say they did. Now, what exactly were you people thinking that was? It’s not part of the putt-putt experience, kids. There’s no fake volcano erupting or anything of the nature. It’s not as if putt-putt is a big thing around here so it’s not like being at the beach with all the courses with all sorts of shenanigans. I’m still kinda baffled about these people around me… and furthermore, thankful that I’m not around said individuals in the event of any major emergency because clearly, I’d be a dead duck before they acted.

Anyway, that’s all I have about that… Moving on…

I’m very aware that I’m raising The Man and his dad isn’t really around to teach him all of those boy things he needs to know. It’s something I think about quite a bit, actually. He is 4 and he knows to open doors for ladies or older folks so I think that’s a start… but tonight it was just he and I at home. And something dropped and made quite a loud bang… and you know what he did. Nothing. He kept watching TV. So basically, it appears that I’m doing well raising a man!

Some lucky lady will thank me later.

My Momma

26 Jul 2011 Leave a Comment

by Sassy Mcknockers in Uncategorized

The woman seriously cracks me up. We don’t have that normal mom-daughter relationship. More like friends with a side of sass.

But seriously, the woman says some funny shit. I am my mother’s daughter, after all. But most recently – as in like 3 minutes ago – she was IMing me on Facebook.

And so this is now my new Facebook status… and probably my phone is about to ring and I’m about to get a whole lotta sass coming my way, but honestly, I’m dying laughing!

Reasons why I love my mother:

Mom: Did you hear about the slasher?
Me: WTH?
Mom: Some guy taking a box cutter and cuttin’ people’s asses and then getting away. Dad wanted me to go with him tomorrow but I said “Hell no – as big as my ass is I’d bleed to death”
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mom: It’s not funny!!! 5 people got hurt. Can you imagine having stitches in your ass? Crazy ass people.

Who Does That?

04 Jun 2011 3 Comments

by Sassy Mcknockers in Uncategorized

Let’s just go ahead and start this blog by saying if you’re going to be offended by multiple curse words – discontinue reading. Like. Now.

MmmmK Thanks!

So, there’s this store that I absolutely adore. I go there all the time… seriously… ALL. THE. TIME. Well my birthday is tomorrow so they sent me a happy-birthday-here’s-some-extra-savings-coupons. My daughter and I went out to lunch and then off to shopping! Went shopping… spent a lot of money. I mean, I saved $226. But yea. I spent enough. My daughter wanted to go to Old Navy and get something so away we went since it is conveniently located next door. Buy a pair of sandals and we’re done…

We come out of Old Navy and I notice… There’s a tank parked next to me. Now. Let’s be clear… I don’t park next to people unless I absolutely have to. And when I say I don’t park next to them… I mean I park like 10 spaces away. I’m not a risk-taker in that department. Well… all the spaces leading up to my car are now occupied. But as I walk closer I notice the tank is pretty fucking close to my car. We get closer… closer… BAM. Holy fucking hell. My car was hit. And when this bitch hit me… it’s not like she bumped me and said “ooops” backed up and tried again. No. She kept going… from the wheel well all the way down the back door and 1/2 of the front!! Part of the “chrome” of her bumper is hanging from my car!!!

Now let’s be clear here – I’m fucking pissed. I’m shaking I’m so mad. And where is this bitch? Inside a fucking store! Did she leave me a note? NO.

This turns into me calling my parents… Mom answering and me replying “I need to speak to my dad right now.” My mom is a smart lady. She didn’t ask any questions on that note.

Then we call the police. Because so help this lady… if they don’t get there and she comes out to get in her car, I’m gonna lay her on her fucking ass.

Now we wait. Because this is low priority, of course!

So the police get there… run her tags. Get her name… and go into Famous Footwear where she’s WORKING and bring her outside. Now….. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Your ass went to work like this is normal. What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously.

She looks at me and says, “Oh my, I’m sorry, I didn’t know hit you.”
My reply, “I’m not really sure how you wouldn’t have known given the amount of damage.”

She bent the wheel well of the car! There is about zero possibility of her not knowing she hit it… ZERO.

Yea – so she didn’t speak to me after that. Fucking bitch. Or maybe I was the bitch at that point. And to be honest – I’m ok with that.

So blah blah blah I get her insurance information… granted, she’s driving a 1999 Suburban and it is in a state of… I don’t even know. It’s trash. Similar to the owner. The windshield is busted!!! And when I say busted.. I don’t mean a small crack. I mean it’s BUSTED. And it’s a little illegal to drive with that. But who the fuck am I?

So then, I come home…. Call my insurance company just to notify them that this is going on. My insurance company is laughing (not in a bad way – you just have to hear me speak and then you’d totally understand) because I’m baffled by the fact that this lady just got out and went about her day like this shit was normal. I’m already not ok with turning 30 tomorrow and now we’re gonna add this to the mix. I’m seriously not ok with this. I’ve made THREE payments on this fucking car. THREE!!!! And your ass just hit my fucking car, got out of your car, went in to sell some shoes for like $8/hr and didn’t say shit. Seriously. You need the shit kicked out of you.

Next up. Her insurance company. Who she has neglected to call at this point. Of course she’s neglected to call them. She’s busy selling shoes. And I’m pretty sure there was a BOGO sale going on. Fuck me sideways.

So Mr. Insurance Man says, “did my insured leave the scene?”
Well, sir, she got out of her car and went inside to sell shoes. Call it whatever you want. (He laughs under his breath) Oh, and by the way sir, while I was on hold waiting to get to you… I noticed your recording mentioned multiple times about windshield coverage. Well, you should really talk to your insured about that since she’s driving around with a busted windshield. She’d probably find this information helpful. (Again he laughs… I know he was trying hard not to.. and to be honest. I’d laugh at that if someone said it to me, too.)

The end result right now is that… I’m 31 minutes late to go out for my birthday with one of my best friends. And I’m way pissed.

Mostly though, I’m just amazed I haven’t cried yet today. Because this is really getting the best of me.

Didn’t know I hit you!!!

Up close and personal… Stupid bitch. If you can’t drive a tank. DON’T.

Wheel well… and some dirt!

PS I’m pretty sure there are typos in this… if so, I don’t give a damn. I’m late to party for my birthday for the love of your Momma!!!!

Another one bites the dust!

21 May 2011 Leave a Comment

by Sassy Mcknockers in Uncategorized

That’s right… another tooth is gone from The Lady. Number 6 to be exact.

So the kids are actually with their dad this weekend… not that anyone would know that since they’re currently sitting on my sofa and all. But their little heads will be laying on pillows outside of this house tonight. Which presents a small issue? The Tooth Fairy doesn’t visit their father’s house. No Easter Bunny, Santa, etc. And not for disbelief in the process. Mostly out of the whole lazy trait.

Tonight should go well… hopefully The Lady will just go with putting it under her pillow on Sunday night instead.

Either way… at $5 a pop… I’m headed toward the poor house.

I think I’ll go calculate how many teeth are remaining now!